


I love you

by FlyAbove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18 coda, Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Grief, M/M, Mourning, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Supernatural Season 15, dean is worthy of love, dean's internal monologue, episode: s15e18 despair coda, i have forgotten how to tag things, self deprecation, set shortly after the scene that killed me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27570082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyAbove/pseuds/FlyAbove
Summary: It's a phrase spoken millions of times throughout human history. Yet Dean Winchester stood there, in shock, like it was the first time he'd ever heard it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 21





	I love you

_I love you._

No. That can't be right. No one loves broken old Dean Winchester. I'm the man who's been cursed by God himself. Everything I touch turns to darkness. My own soul attracts pain and suffering and death. Love isn't in my story, it never has been and never will.

 _I love you._

That's too final. I didn't earn that. Surely you know better than to love me. Nothing good has come from loving me. Look at you now.

 _I love you._

No, you don't.

 _I love you._

Cas. You fool. You didn't know what you were saying.

 _I love you._

Why? Why me? You've been alive since the beginning of time and you picked me? After all that I did to you? I have done nothing to deserve that. You picked the wrong guy.

 _I love you._

You left me.

 _I love you._

No. You don't get to tell me that and then leave me. You don't get to sacrifice yourself for me again. Don't leave me. Don't do this.

_I love you._

I wasted so much time. I had you in front of me all these years. You were right there. All I had to do was hold out my hand. 

_I love you._

You deserve better than me.

_I love you._

I don't want you to. Not if it means losing you. 

_I love you._

Goddammit Cas. I know. In the back of my mind...I always knew. 

_I love you._

I'll fix this. I'll get Chuck or Jack to bring you back. Anything to bring you back. Your story isn't finished. Our story isn't - this can't be it.

 _I love you._

I could have done something. I should have done something. Why did I let you go? You needed me and I let you go, Cas. 

_I love you._

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Can you hear me? Let me tell you. Please I need the chance to tell you.

 _I love you._

I'm sorry.

 _I love you._

Castiel.

 _I love you._

Cas...

 _I love you._

I loved you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo boy, it's been a while. I plan on doing something a little longer and more detailed about THE scene and what happens in subsequent episodes despite what happens in canon in the finale. (A reunion is happening in my eyes whether supernatural likes it or not.) But the point of this was to show what I thought Dean's internal monologue would be following Cas' death as he sat there crying. I immediately thought of his struggle to process the information he got in that short period and him replaying it over and over again, battling between self deprecation, grief, anger and then ultimately, almost despite his best efforts, accepting and feeling that same love Cas showed him. These idiots mean everything to me, even after all these years.
> 
> To Dean Winchester and Castiel, I hope you get the love you deserve.


End file.
